The Back-Benchers' Blog

Farah- Hi, you’re watching One-News live. We welcome our viewers in this edition of “Mournings with Farah”. Today, we’re going to discuss the supposed match-fixing scandal brought up by a certain British tabloid in the UK. Can such a thing be true? Can our beloved Pakistani cricketers cheat our citizens? Or, like 9/11, 26/11 and many others, this is yet another conspiracy against our nation? We’ll soon find out.
With me in the studio, we have the army expert Zaid Gul, a man who stands up for Pakistani pride and it’s cricket’s legacy in international commentary circles, a field sabotaged by Indian and Israeli zionists..

Saleem Parinda- But Israel doesn’t play Cricket (camera exposing his smirk)

Zaid Gul- Pork eaters will always tend to shrug off deep rooted conspiracies against the most powerful Islamic nation but I don’t know how much attention should we pay to them..

Saleem- But we’re, by no stretch of imagination, the most powerful Islamic nation in the world. Half our problems are solved by American aid and the other half, our army only creates them.

Zaid- Get this man outta here, will you Farah sahiba? Will he ever stop the propaganda of denouncing the stories that our common people hear about the grand America-India-Israel coalition to sabotage Pakistan? It’s people like this guy who are the biggest problems. Where’s the gun?

Farah- I apologise to our viewers for that tiff. Jaise aap dekh hi rahe ho, tamper bahut hi high ho rahe hai as this is a matter of national pride, integrity and honesty, virtues for which Pakistan stands up..

Saleem - You mean without asking the US before standing up?

Farah - I will let that pass, so yeah, Pakistan stands up for these virtues as evinced by our strongest possible co-operation for the war of terror against the evil forces. Here in studio, I have got Zaid Gul, Saleem Parinda- a noted social commentator, the cricket commentator I was talking about a while ago – Riyadh Rehman or RR as he’s called and ex-Pakistan skipper Intizar-Aloo-Haq.
First of all, thanks a lot for coming here. So, let’s start with Intizar. Janaab, what do you think of the scandal after the first footages broke out? Can Butt, Asif and Aamir do such a thing?

Intizar- Inshallah, Bismillah-ur-Rahman. The boys the played the well you know. I thank the Allah for the boys who played the well.

Farah- Intizar sahab, what do you think about match fixing?

RR interrupts
RR - What a carefully crafted reply by Intizar. Just goes on to show how the best batsmen also know how to put things intelligently while talking. You know, Pakistani cricketers are so talented that they can pull off almost anything.

Zaid - Bilkul sahi farmaya aapne. It is this talent of our team that makes the Indians and Americans jealous. That’s why they create all such stories. But America is at least a bit more intelligent you see. Indians ko akal to hai nahin, to bas ek scam bana diya but now we will see how their players only get caught in this and our players will come out clean.

Saleem - You mean, America plotted a cricket conspiracy against Pakistan? That’s news to me. And that braggadocio Majeed who flaunts a mansion in Surrey, you saw that he promised a few no-balls and they were delivered, didn’t you? You think it’s an Indian conspiracy?

Intizar - Inshallah, Bismillah ur-Rahman…

Farah - Intizar ji, we’re slightly pressed for time here so I will interrupt you there. What do you think about the no balls? Could it have been a coincidence?

Intizar -Inshallah, the no-ball is thanks to Allah very difficult and rare now. If I ask you to bowl the no-ball can you do it, without these Hindu zionists not realizing it? It’s almost like asking me to run three runs, on the same ball, at my will without getting run-out. If fixing cricket was so easy, we would have won so many matches.

Zaid - Bilkul sahi kahan janab, Indians have money because America gives them a lot of money and so does Israel. Even Indians like Darunmati Coy have repeatedly talked about this. And then they buy the kafirs who beat us. I am sure Danish has something to do with this. See, when match-fixing was exposed, whom did they sack? Mohammad Azharuddin. Our Musalman brothers must stand for our society. Baat hamare komm ki hai aur hamare komm ki beijjati hui hai yeh propaganda se. Isliye agar jung honi hai to sarhad ke uss-par yani ki Hindustan mein hogi aur jaisa ki humne 1948, 1971 and 1999 mein Kargil mein kar dikhaya waise iss baar bhi hum jung karke dikhayenge

Saleem -So you mean to say that we must go to war because Indians have conspired against us, with the help of non-cricket playing nations like America and Israel, in framing three of our players in spot-fixing through a UK based Pakistan-connected bookie and so we must go to war. Is that correct?

Zaid - Yes! Baat hamare komm ki hai

Saleem - But we take so much money from the US, for everything. We take 110% of the cost because 10% has to go somewhere. And about cricket, these American brands like Pepsi, Coke, Nike are our sponsors. Why don’t you see that.

Zaid - Pakistan is a soverign state. We have the nuclear bombs. Isliye, agar jung hogi to sarhad ke uss paar

Saleem wears a perplexed look and is speechless. Intizar, with his eyes closed, is busy chanting Bismillah-ur-Rahman and RR is fondling with his BB, the Blackberry I mean. Farah seizes the moment.

Farah -Yes, very true. If a war is waged on us we will fight back. We will show Hindustan it’s place. But Janab, 150,000 pounds were found in Butt’s room. What do you have to say about that? Intizar can cricketers possess so much of cash on tours?

Intizar - Inshallah the cash is the best friend of the man. I always like money. So whenever I get money I become happy. And I want to ask, why can’t our players be happy? Why are Indians so jealous of our players’ money?

RR - Yes. Pakistani cricketers are so talented that they can make money out of anything. That money could just have been gifted to them by someone. How do you know where did the money come from?

Saleem - Yes, but Intizar nobody had gifted them that money as confirmed by the police. And what about the no-balls? Isn’t the evidence crystal clear against the trio?

Intizar -Kafir! I learn everything about Haram. You’re a Haram. Islam doesn’t permit haram. So, Butt can never do it. And Danish is not in the team. Yusuf is also a Muslim now. So no question of corruption. Inshallah All izz well.

Zaid - Yes! Exactly. Musalmans in India also are not corrupt. Everywhere we have been defamed. Baat hamare komm ki hai. Agar jung hogi to sarhad ke uss paar because we’ve got the bombs.

Saleem - But Indians also have the bomb.

RR - Who cares? Shoaib Akhtar holds the fastest ball record in the history. We’ve got the fastest bowlers and best spinners. And Intizar was the best batsman of the 90s. I too was a great batsman if you forgot.

Saleem -But what’s that got to do with bombs? And what do bombs have to do with cricket anyways? Can we talk about the bloody fixing incident? These guys are caught almost red handed.

Intizar - They must ate at an Indian restaurant. They put a lot of red colour in food which makes hands red.

Saleem - Intizar, I mean they were caught with the money that belonged to the spot fixing clan. There are no two opinions about it.

Intizar - Inshallah, bismillah-ur-Rahman, Allah has only one opinion. RR, please tell him.

RR - Look Saleem, Pakistani cricketers are the best. They can not commit such sins because Islam forbids haram. And that’s why all our players are now muslims so that they don’t indulge in match-fixing. So this is a hoax.

Zaid - Yes. It’s all a conspiracy. Indians mein jara bhi akal hoti to yeh kaam nahi karte. The racket belongs to India. The British tabloid clearly says so. What do you have to say about that?

Saleem - Yeah, but the players are ours. How does it matter where the racket is?

Zaid - So it is an Indian conspiracy. They bet on something and lost money. So they got pissed and framed our players in this with the help of CIA.

Saleem - You mean the CIA of America?

Zaid - Yes! Isliye, ab jung hokar rahegi. Baat hamare komm ki hai aur Hinduonki zehniyat hi aisi hai ki peeth mein khanjar marne mein unko koi takleef nahi hogi. Jung hogi aur honi chahiye 1948, 1971 will come back.

Saleem - But we lost the wars, didn’t we?

Zaid, Intizar and RR - Shut up you faggot!

Farah -Sorry to interrupt all of you here. Unfortunately we’re running out of time. Thanks a lot to all of you. As we saw, everything points to a conspiracy of the Indian, American and Israeli zionists against Pakistan. These are ominous signs but we are ready to face the challenge. Thanks once again to all our viewers. See you next week.