The Back-Benchers' Blog

“Where is the master key?”, asked God. “I am the master key”, replied Daya with a nonchalant expression and oozing confidence. Blessed that he was with a door-breaking ability of smashing things down at a stroke of will God merely had in mind to set a larger-than-life stage for him.

And as the God was arranging for that divine intervention on the planet about 12 years ago he saw an angry man with a moustache looking at a man lying on the road with a few bullets in it’s chest. The injured man was bleeding like a dracula. The protagonist walks up to him and asks, no, not “do you need water, amblulance bulao” and all, but “kisine maara kya aapko?” By the time the protagonist put his hands around the waist, made right-arm leg-break bowling actions before asking that question the injured man took his last breath. In came a colleague of the protagonist and said, “Oh my gawwd, aur ek laash” and the protagonist turns back from the corpse. He bears a ferocious look on the face. He lifts his right hand up and makes a gesture like the Fleming’s right hand rule and with infuriated expressions, he says, “Abhijeet, May ke baad aata June hai, May ke baat aata June hai, yeh to Khudkhushi nahin,yeh khun hai.”

And when god saw all this, he merely brought these three people together and got the fourth one to join them simply because he went up to God and said, “Boss, meri acting dekhoge to aap hil jaoge” He would be called “The forensic expert Dr.Salunke”. And the end product, “CID”.

In fact, God was taking an evening stroll in the gardens of Ooty when he overheard two people animatedly discussing about what needs to be done to change the whole Indian entertainment space. Their revolutionary ideas coupled with unbridled passion for thrillers, drama and comedy packed in one box was too good to be untapped, thought the God. He called upon the two young men and delegated them their responsibilities. One man was called Kanti Shah, who was asked to take on the big-screen in 1997 with Loha. And in 1998, his colleague B.P.Singh was directed to hit the small-screen with CID. As with any product of the highest intellect, both of them got their success a lot later than their works. If the “youngistan” was dancing to the tunes of Karan Johar’s chick flicks back then on the small screen Kkkkkapoooronki Ekta denied the space to CID. But form is temporary, class is permanent. After the KJo gay films were done away with the audience turned to real cinema. The way Gunda became a rage in 2005 and conquered the big screen, albeit seven years too late, made Kanti Shah a hostelhold name. And it’s contemporary work of art CID, is now dethroning the giants on the small screen to conquer this space after an exile of twelve years. After 12 years of toil in churning out stories after stories in CID – 12 saak jurm ke khilaaf, as it is called, the exile has ended. This is the time for B.P.Singh to bask in the glory of fame, success, money and adoration by the young and the old. CID has become the new household name in India. Now, college students also talk like, “dhoond nikalo is prof ke bacche ko, isse to faansi hogi faansi” if a prof sets a tough question paper. And when Professors ask the students to do a literature review they say, “Students, ab pata karo iss topic ke baare mein saaare journalon mein kya likha hai aur dhoond nikalo uss ek paper ko jo hamein chahiye. Akhir bachke jaayega kahan?” Now, parents have started keeping the doors open if their sons start gymming. Why take risk? And the aspiring doctors, scientists, engineers, computer scientists, biologist, radiologists, cartographers, geologist, environmentalists, actors are shown the footages of Dr.Salunke.

What’s mesmerizing about CID is how innocuously every episode starts and how shocked the CID Tridev are when they see a laash, in spite of the fact that they see a few dozens every week. First five mins of a CID episode are usually spent in the setup of the crime. Then the crime occurs. Now the focus moves to CID bureau where the CID team is typically seen chit-chatting in the most jovial of moods. And the phone rings. Abhijeet picks up the phone and says, laash, oh my gaawwdd. CID represents the bizarre state of affairs that the country is in. People have lost faith in judiciary, politics, police. That’s why they bypass the good-old Mumbai Police and call CID, usually upon insistence of some man amongst the mob at the crime scene. Soon the case starts moving. That’s the time to recline your chairs and immerse yourself in the story.

ACP Pradyuman arrives on the scene. He’s a typical MBA management guy like your boss. For example, in one episode a few people find parts of a dead body in a drainage system 5 feet under the road. Like every other case, Mumbai Police is bypassed and CID is called upon the scene. Pradyuman looks at the manhole and says, “Daya tum gutter mein andar utar ke dekho kya hai, Abhijeet jara neeche jaake dekho aur Fredie, tum bhi thoda neeche jaake dekho kya milta hai. Kajal jara mere saath aao” This management-guy behaviour of ACP has inspired shers like

Daya pata lagao, aakhir ye khoon hua kaise…!

And if you think this is exaggeration then check this out. A bungalow burns down and ACP asks Daya and Abhijeet, “iss raakh mein se saboot dhoond ke nikalo”

Then people are shown running from one place to another gathering clues. Corpse is passed on to forensic expert Dr.Salunke. Dr.Salunke is a god’s own man. People often talk about how doctors are gods. If anyone doubts that then he must meet Dr.Salunke. If Daya is the master key of all the doors then Salunke is the master key to the world of knowledge. Some men are doctors. Some are engineers. Some are chemists. Some are computer scientists. Dr.Salunke is all of them. Knowledge that Salunke doesn’t know does not exist. He can perform postmortems in much the same efficiency as he can tell whether a bullet was fired from a 0.45 mm pistol of Swiss make or a 0.49mm pistol of German make and till date I haven’t seen an occasion where Salunke got it wrong. Looking at a paper photocopied from a machine he can tell the secret code of the machine from which he would give the address of the shop where the page was photocopied. If the face of the corpse is badly bruised or burned then he has a stellar software to his rescue. In the beginning the softwares (which happen to run in full screen screen saver mode and the computers don’t seem to require an OS) look like this -

A few seconds later the software generates an output i.e. a face of the dead man with such a remarkable accuracy that would put a 10 Mp DSLR owner put to shame should he ever compare that output with the portraits that he clicks. What comes out looks something like this, note again the computers without an OS, full screen mode and excellent animation.

Then Salunke is seen explaining a few important clues with an authority that would make the followers of any branch of science fall in love with the man. “Boss, laashe bhi bolti hai”, is his favourite dialogue. And when the man himself says it in the trademark calm and composed manner you have no option but to be awestruck by the knowledge, dexterity and the finesse.

Then the focus shifts to the bureau where ACP Pradyuman breaks his head over the case. Being the boss of the game he looks at all the evidences collected by the subordinates and hands out a verdict which is kept suspense for the audience. So he says, “achha, to yeh baat hai”. His protege Abhijeet would be the first one to know a cue when he hears one.

Then the chase begins. CID team chases the criminal. There is an algorithm of the process –

1 – Catch a person
2 – Ask him about the murder
3 – If he denies the charges and says, “aap mujhe kyun pakad rahe ho, usse pakdo” then ask a question, “ussey?” Get the details of the person to be followed. Go to step 1 .
If he doesn’t say that and simply denies the charges then slap him. If it’s a man then Daya slaps. And as a criminal you don’t mess with the man who breaks doors with one bang. His slap will make you piss on the floor. So, that piss scene is cut and after the slap the next scene takes place in the bureau where the criminal is confessing about the crime. If it’s a lady then any available lady CID person will do the slapping business.

And then, after the confession in the bureau, ACP takes a call. ACP starts uttering the nature of the punishment in the most ascetic tone and expressions as ferocious as angry Mukesh Rishi in any movie (Gunda being the most critically acclaimed of the lot) and the camera closes in on him as he says, “ab jail mein milegi ek kali kothdi, wahan ginte baithna 30 crore (assuming the crime was for 30 crore rupees), tab tak faansi ka order bhi aa jayega”.

The way Shah Rukh can’t resist his temptation of overacting irrespective of the role, CID can’t resist breaking doors, at least one of them in each story. And the responsibility of this holy task lies on to Daya, the best looking guy on Indian TV according to 2002 awards. His penchant for breaking big doors has earned him thousands of fans around the globe.He counts a day lost when he doesn’t break at least one door and doesn’t slap a criminal. Daya has become such a huge phenomenon, a youth icon and the likes that there’s a rumour that Godrej is coming out with new doors locks with a caption, “Doors that even Daya can’t break” In the older episodes Daya would break the door only upon ACP’s direction. ACP would say, “Daya, tod do darwaza” and Daya would oblige. Lately, ACP just makes a gesture and moves his neck from right to left. Again, Daya obliges, in kind. Keeping in mind Daya’s door-breaking tendency, Daya’s private car is specially designed and looks like this –

If Salunke is the Architect and ACP the Morpheus in CID then Daya is the Neo. He simply is the chosen one. With a demeanour as ruthless as possible he is the true executioner of the project. He slaps, he kicks and he breaks doors. So used to his door-breaking the CID team is that in his absence they even say, “Abhi to Daya sir nahi hai, ab darwaza kaun todega?” Or in one episode where Daya is hit by a bullet and the doctor declares his helplessness over Daya’s fate (of course the doctor was NOT Salunke) the CID team walks in the room and says, “Daya, hamare liye zinda ho jao, uthkar tumhe jitne darwaze todne hai utne tod do”. This is love!

But what would a casual onlooker smite like a blow possibly rendering him speechless isn’t Daya’s door-breaking, Abhijeet’s overacting with Amitabh style “aays” or Fredericks’ stupid comedy. It’s the ACP’s right hand rule and his obsession with passing orders to subordinates that would put even consultants to shame. If a medicine is found as a clue he would ask Abhijeet, “Abhijeet, iss sheher ke un saare doctors ko dhoondo jo yeh dawai dete hai”. Usually CID never finds a medicine like Crocin or Saridon as a clue. The dawai is always a ten-letter word which is a special treatment of a rarest of the disease rendering the task a bit easier than it sounds. But when they find broken spectacles ACP actually tells them to look at each and every optician in Mumbai to find out if the glasses were bought at their shop. Audacity!

That’s just not it, in one episode I heard him say, “Daya, lagta hai yeh khooni ka kapda hai jo koi laundry mein dhula hai. Sheher ki saaaaaaari laundriya chhaan maro aur pata lagao ki akhir yeh khuni hai kaun. Ek baar haath lag jaye, phir chhodunga nahin!

ACP is so much like my boss at a company I worked for, for a while that like him, ACP too sits in a plush AC CID bureau while Daya, Abhijeet and Fredi are running across Mumbai streets in search of an optician.

In one plot, there’s a bomb planted in a person’s stomach by an operation. Yes, it’s a bomb but a non-metallic bomb devised by an ultra-modern technology. CID catches hold of the man and gets him to a team of doctors. ACP is not in the picture as yet. He arrives and makes the docs wear bomb-proof clothes (although hands are covered just by simple gloves) and yells, “doctor jaldi karo, bomb kabhi bhi fat sakta hai” Orgasmic!

Where do these stunning performances come from? The answer lies here. ACP lives the character in real life. He truly believes that he is the real ACP. When asked in the interview, why he never got promoted this is what he said –

ACP Pradyuman didn’t become the commissioner in these 12 years.
(Smiles) He didn’t accept the promotion. Jokes apart, I was offered to take on another designation and work as a commissioner or something like that. But I’m so attached to the character that I didn’t feel like taking on another designation. It somehow didn’t go with the role. I felt if I become a commissioner, my job would be more administrative than on the field.

Blessed are we that we are born in the times of ACP. What dedication!

When you can get all this and a lot more in just one hour, had even Abhishek Bacchan had been a part of CID he couldn’t have stopped it from being a rage. Now, this is the prime time stuff. No, they haven’t changed the schedule but people have changed their prime times. CID doesn’t mend their operations. These days, when people are thinking they put their hands on their waists and put teeth on the lips. Doctors have changed the good-old white coats for Salunke style black coats and dark-blue shirts with yellow flowers on it. Gyms have door-breaking exercise sessions for the enthusiasts. This is CID Team’s time. They’ve all been inspirational. And we should be grateful to Sony for playing the role of the messenger, for playing stuff like CID – 12 saal jurm ke khilaf and Horror ka dose, har roz – Aahat, day in day out. Had they decided against the reruns of CID classics, nobody would have ever grasped the power of CID, the force of ACP, Salunke’s finesse, Daya’s strength and intensity and Abhijeet’s panache. I have a very humble request to the govt. of India – “Dhoond nikalo in CID wale bacchon ko, inhe to bharat ratna milna chahiye bharat ratna…”